Today is my 42nd birthday and it was a rough morning. I cried a lot last night and again this morning frustrated with my drainage tubes, loss of feeling in my chest and not being able to sleep. Sometime after noon today, my subconscious must have smacked me with a 2 x 4 and told me to put my war paint on, get dressed for the day (even with the drainage bags still attached) and act normal. I need to get my mind right and tell cancer to *$%! off. I have a lot of living to do and a ton of people of who expect me to be around for many more celebrations.
Experts in time management tell people that when it comes to achieving your goals, you should write them down. So here goes, in letter form:
Dear Breast Cancer:
You will not win this battle. You may have hidden in my body, escaping MRIs, mammograms and ultrasounds for the past several years, hiding under the guise of dense tissue to my doctors. You may be stealthy, but I am more so. I have taken very aggressive measures to rid you of my body and my life and I WILL WIN.
I will be victorious.
I WILL CELEBRATE MANY, MANY MORE BIRTHDAYS. (Have you not heard of Komen or the American Cancer Society – sponsor of MORE birthdays? Duh!)
Cancer, you picked the wrong chick to mess with. I come from a long line of tough women on both sides of my family and I have no intention of living any less time than they have. My great grandmothers both lived bright, vibrant lives well into their late 80s and 90s. My grandmother lived in her own home until she was 93, the same year she died. My mom, aunt and a great aunt have survived you and so will I.
I REFUSE TO BE A STATISTIC. I WILL BE HERE FOR MORE THAN 5 YEARS, OR EVEN 10 YEARS.
I am tired of you creating drama in my life and me allowing the thought of you to destroy my very being. In the last month, I have allowed what Eckhart Tolle calls the “pain-body” to rule and fuel my negative thoughts. I have grieved hard and it has worn me out. But it will no longer receive any more fuel for the tank has run dry for this sort of emotion.
Cancer, you have been banished. If even the tiniest speck of your existence still resides in my body, the chemotherapy will wipe you out.
I WILL BE CANCER FREE. I WILL FIGHT LIKE A GIRL and I WILL BE BETTER BECAUSE OF THIS BATTLE.
I will enjoy my life despite the damage you have done to my body and mind. I will heal and you will never take me down again. This battle may rage on for a few more months and I may endure more physical pain, but I will no longer allow you, or the thought of you, to destroy me. I will stay present in the now and make plans for my future.
Cancer, you are not part of my future.
Happy Birthday to ME!