My wise friend (who also happens to be my husband) told/ reminded me that I shouldn’t speculate. I can’t control what I can’t control and that if “ifs” and “buts” were beer and nuts, we’d have ourselves a party.
I have to remind myself that the what ifs in life are mostly out of my control. What if I lose my hair to chemo? I will deal with it just like so many other women and men do everyday. What if the cancer has spread to my lymph system? What if the headaches I keep having are not due to stress but that I have brain cancer? What if…what if… what if…What if I stop thinking about all of the stuff I can’t control, put it in God’s “in basket” and let him handle it.
I had lunch yesterday with dear friends Heidi, Chris and Molly and was overwhelmed by the love I felt. I talked to Pastor Ellen last night. She was such a comfort for me and will be by my side in prayer before surgery on Wednesday. Today, I met with my family physician and plastic surgeon and am feeling more at peace with my decision. I have questioned it all week and the “what ifs” will make a person crazy if you let them. I know that my decision is drastic and there will be pain. Maybe more than I can bear – that’s what the meds are for. I will travel a path that will be unique to me. I can’t compare myself to others, their experiences or their treatments. I have to own what is mine. I have to be a role model for my daughters so that if the day ever comes that they too must face the same decision, they will be able to do so with dignity and grace.